THE LORD OF THE (Toe)RING

 

Chapter One: A Long Expected Party

 

[Narration by Hika]

 

When Bilbo announced that he would be having an uber-spiffy party, everyone in the Shire was ecstatic!

 

[Teegs: Oo, big word.

 

DG: It's not that big...

 

Teegs: But think of all the people who don't know what that is...

 

Hika: Who, the Mary Sue authors?

 

Teegs: Bingo!]

 

Bilbo was rich and uber-spiffy

 

[DG: Use that much?

 

Hika: Not enough...]

 

So everyone liked Bilbo. He was turning eleventy-one this year, which is fancy speech for saying he's one hundred and eleven years old. He had adopted his cousin, Frodo, when the young hobbit's parents had died in a freak fangirl stampede. Damn those fangirls. Frodo was uber-spiffy as well.

 

[DG and Hika: YES HE IS!]

 

The GJT were discussing the party at The Swiffer Sweeper, the local inn at Hobbiton.

 

Hika: I heard there's going to be FIREWORKS!

 

Teegs: Hee hee. I like fire.

 

DG: Hee hee. Me toooooooo...

 

Teegs: Wait, didn't they ban us? Something about a restraining order?

 

Hika: Phht. Restraining order? Like they'll care if we go within a mile of Frodo.

 

DG: *giggle*

 

Everyone was really happy! Frodo was a tad paranoid, afraid that his restraining orders wouldn't work, but all in all, he was excited.

 

[Teegs: Ecstatic!]

 

Yes, he was very EXCITED.

 

[Teegs: Dang.]

 

About a week before the party, people began to arrive. None of these were very important, except for the coming of Podima,

 

[GJT: Oh, great.]

 

the wise and noble wizard.

 

[GJT: *snort*

 

Teegs: Wise and noble my ass...]

 

The wizard Podima had met Bilbo sixty years earlier, when he mysteriously disappeared from Hobbiton, and when he came back... he was rumored to be RICH! That's why everyone thought he was uber-spiffy. Of course, they also thought he was a bit... odd...

 

Bilbo: Like, totally!

 

Anyways, no one cares. Podima had brought lots of fireworks...

 

GJT: FIREE!!

 

Everyone liked fireworks. They hadn't been seen in the Shire since... um... a long time! The party was set for September 22^nd, a date which was especially uber-spiffy, because not only was it Bilbo's birthday, it was Frodo's as well! Frodo was turning thirty-three, which was the coming of age for hobbits. So it was a really uber-spiffy day. TRIPPY!

 

[DG: Oh, this sounds so amazingly like Tolkien...]

 

All the hobbits in the Shire waited and waited for their invitation in the mail. Not that they needed one. This was an uber-spiffy party, and they would come anyways.

 

FINALLY, to stop my rambling, the morning of the 22^nd arrived! Everyone was happy!

 

[Teegs: Yes, we've established that.]

 

Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, joy, joy!

 

[DG and Teegs: WE GET IT!]

 

But, yeah. They were very happy.

 

[DG: If you say happy one more time...

 

Hika: Fine...]

 

They were uber-spiffy! Everyone's uber-spiffy!

 

[Teegs: EVERYONE WANTS YOU TO SHUT UP!]

 

So they went to the party. And they sang, and they did the chicken dance. Podima set off the pretty fireworks, and the GJT snuck in, and decided to set off some fireworks of their own!

 

No, that isn't a figure of speech. I mean they actually set off the fireworks...

 

DG: Okay, get the REALLY, REALLY BIG ONE!

 

Hika: No, get the pretty one that says "I LOVE YOU FRODO"!

 

Teegs: There isn't one that says "I LOVE YOU FRODO".

 

Hika: *disappointed* Oh. Well, then get the REALLY, REALLY, BIG ONE!

 

Teegs: *holds up a firework two times her size* Is this big enough?

 

DG: Bigger!

 

Teegs: *holds up one thrice... hee hee. Thrice. Her size* What about this?

 

Hika: Works for me!!

 

All in all, they basically... blew up a couple of tents, burned a few people alive, and were the subject of several lawsuits, but the fireworks were sure pretty.

 

Later in the night, most of the other people had gone home. They had to, because Bilbo only wanted 144 people around for the really uber-spiffy part of his party. MWUHAHAHA! Of course it goes without saying the GJT snuck into that, too. So there were actually 147 people, you know, three more, because the GJT were there, so it made it MORE then 144, so there were actually 147 and...

 

[DG and Teegs: SHUT. UP.]

 

Anyways, yes. Bilbo got up on some (empty) beer barrels and began to speak.

 

Bilbo: Like, hi! Like, you know, this is like my, like, eleventy like first, like birthday! Go me! I'd like, say, like, something, like with like, fractions and all, but like, I don't know how to like, add them, so like... I don't like, like half of you. Like, bye!

 

And he DISAPPEARED!

 

Podima: BUM BUM BUM BUM!

 

And the wizard Podima officially became the soundtrack for this heartless mockery.

 

Bilbo, had, of course, put on the Toe Ring he had found on his journey. What? You don't know about the Toe Ring? You haven't been very observant! The Toe Ring was a magic ring, and it made him invisible. Like, cool, huh? So he put on the Toe Ring and escaped back to his little hobbit-hole, which he called Bag End. He wasn't the only on there though...

 

Podima: dun DUN... dun DUN... dun DUN dun DUN dun DUN...

 

Bilbo: This, like, isn't like, Jaws, Podima.

 

Podima: Oh, shut up. You go along and leave the Toe Ring for Frodo now.

 

Bilbo: Like, I dun, like, wanna!

 

Podima: *goes Devi-Chris on Bilbo* LEAVE THE RING FOR FRODO!

 

Bilbo: Like, don't have like, a cow, man!

 

So Bilbo went off to Rivendell, to live with the elves, leaving behind the uber-spiffy Toe Ring and Bag End to Frodo.

 

Frodo: Woo! I'm RICH. Go me!

 

And Frodo WAS extremely rich, but he couldn't have EVERYTHING in Bag End. So he was forced to give some things away to random people. The GJT helped him out with this.

 

Hika: Oo, can I have that?

 

Frodo: That's my PIPE!

 

Hika: That's why I *want* it!

 

Frodo: NO!

 

Hika: *points to Frodo* Can I have that, then?

 

Teegs: Hika... that's Frodo...

 

Hika: *shrugs* I know.

 

Frodo: o.o

 

Podima, being suspicious of the Toe Ring's power, left to take counsel with other random wizards, leaving Frodo alone.

 

Teegs: Not a good idea...

 

DG: Heh heh... Frodo...

 

Hika: Heh heh... Alone...

 

Frodo: ...Ai Eru... >.<

 

END OF CHAPTER ONE.

 

A/N: Well... um... yeah! ^_^; Hika here. Teegs and I thought this up when Teegs was over at my house. Which is really a scary thing. Podima, of course, is based on our real live muse, Chris. We don't like him. He's in my basement right now, eating rats. Actually, now I feed him worms, and actually, I haven't fed him for a few weeks now, so we can cut out the eating thing in its entirety.

 

Disclaimer: Since we need these... o.o We don't own LOTR, or Frodo, or the storyline. We do own any characters you don’t recognize. ^_^;; Especially ourselves (Teegs, DG, and Hika) and A Random Guy Named Chris Podima. Yes, PDM. If you're reading this... WE OWN YOU!

 

Anyways, this is more of a parody and the bashing of blatant-Mary Sues then it is a self-insertion or a Mary Sue itself. At least, we like to think of it that way. And it's BOOKVERSE! We were going to have it movieverse, and then we wrote the prologue, and then I saved over it. o.O So, yeah. Now it's bookverse. Go us!

 

Hopefully I can get by without author's notes for the next few chapters. So I'm going to say this in advance: Thank you to everyone who reviews this, we love you all. No offense to anyone who is offended. Any characters not in the original canon are based upon someone we know. The end.

 

...yeah.

 

For the GJT in general,

Hika