THE LORD OF THE (Toe) RINGS

 

Chapter Eleven: A Knife in the Dark

 

As Frodo, Doodles, and the GJT prepared for a night of sleep in Bree, darkness lay on DG's cave. Dead Bob opened the door cautiously and peered out. A feeling of fear had been growing on him all day, and he was unable to rest or go to bed. Something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

 

As he stared out into the night, he saw a black shadow move stealthily under the trees. He ran back to the cave and locked the door.

 

It grew late. The sound of hooves approached the cave. Three figures stepped off their horses and knocked loudly on the door.

 

Self-insertion: OPEN, IN THE NAME OF MONDOR!

 

The only answer they got was the sound of a horn.

 

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!

 

Dead Bob had blown the Horn-call of The Big Giant Cave in Which DG Lived.

 

AWAKE! AWAKE!

 

The Self-insertions ignored the horns. Those stupid cave-dwellers would pay, eventually.

 

**

 

Frodo awoke from a bad dream in which he had been stampeded by fangirls. Doodles was sitting up also, either on watch, or making sure Teegs didn't kill her. Doodles noticed him.

 

Doodles: Good morning. You might as well get up, it's getting light out anyways.

 

She roused the others and led the way to their bedroom. Once they got there, they were seriously thankful for DG. The windows were broken and the curtains flapping. The beds had been stabbed and torn apart to no end, the sheets torn to pieces.

 

Poor Butterbur was devastated.

 

Butterbur: They ruined my hobbit room. >_> THEY SHALL PAY.

 

As he went off on a murderous rampage, Doodles, Frodo and the GJT packed for the long journey to Rivendell. A few hours and a stolen pony (Hika named it LoRENzo) later, they were on their way.

 

Teegs: We should've named it HEEEEEEERRRMY!

 

Hika: But LoRENzo is BETTER!

 

Teegs: No it isn't! LoRENzo SUCKS!

 

Hika: YOU SUCK!

 

Teegs: BITE ME!

 

Hika: Okay!

 

DG quickly stopped Hika from gnawing on Teegs's head.

 

Teegs: Slag!

 

Hika: Whore!

 

Doodles: Shut up and let me think!

 

Frodo: Please tell me Rivendell is only a few hours away and that the elves will take the GJT and execute them.

 

GJT: HA! You wish!

 

Doodles: Unfortunately, no. Not only will they not execute the GJT, it's a couple 'o weeks away as well. We've got a long journey ahead of us.

 

Frodo groaned. Doodles made up a complicated plan on how to get to Rivendell quickly but still keep the Self-insertions off their tail.

 

Teegs: We could just go straight...

 

Doodles: NO! We must go east, then south, the west, then north, then south again, then east, then east some more, then west for a few miles, then north...

 

DG: That's just one big circle...

 

Doodles: NO IT ISN'T!

 

Hika: It'd go a lot quicker if we just went straight...

 

Doodles: NO!

 

The third day out, they encountered the Midgewater Marshes. The flies and the midges began torturing them.

 

Teegs: I'm being eaten alive! Midgewater! There's more midges than water!

 

Hika: What do they get when they can't get fangirl?

 

DG: But we're a DIFFERENT BREED!

 

That night not only did they have the midges and the flies to worry about, but evil little rabid vampire crickets that went neek-breek, breek-neek, all night long. But by the fifth day, they had left them behind and had reached Weathertop, and old watchtower.

 

Frodo: Do you think we'll find Podima there?

 

Doodles: We can hope.

 

Hika: HA!

 

Teegs: HA!

 

Hika: HA!

 

Teegs: HA!

 

DG: Will you two SHUT UP?

 

Hika and Teegs: ..no. HA.

 

After a few more days, they reached Weathertop and started to look around for signs of Podima. Suddenly, Doodles crouched down and picked up a small white rock.

 

Hika: HOLY SHIT! A SMALL WHITE ROCK!

 

Doodles: Yes, and look on the other side... writing!

 

GJT: Ooooooo...

 

Frodo: What does it say?

 

Doodles: There seems to be a stroke, a dot, and three more strokes. It's a sign left by Podima.

 

DG: Yes, but what does it MEAN?

 

Doodles: It must stand for G3, meaning Gandalf was here on October the third... three days ago.

 

Teegs: Woah, she can read DOTS!

 

Doodles: *proud* Yes, yes I can. ^_^

 

Teegs: But yet, you don't know who Sean is?

 

Doodles: ...quiet, you.

 

Teegs: If you know who TOM is, I won't kill you.

 

Doodles: Tom... um... he's... your uncle!

 

Teegs: *scandalized* BITCH!

 

Teegs tried to attack Doodles, but Frodo and the GJT held her back. Frodo was getting really pissed by now. Stupid Podima. First he abandoned him, then he abandoned him again. And not only abandoned him, but abandoned him with the GJT! Jkdlalskdljfd.

 

[DG: Um...

 

Hika: What?

 

DG: ...nothing.

 

Teegs: *in the background, laughing her head off*]

 

He stared down at the damn road, and noticed something very... scary. He grabbed Doodles's arm.

 

Frodo: LOOK!

 

Doodles: Oh, shit. A Starbucks!

 

Frodo: No, no, LOOK AGAIN!

 

Doodles: Oh, shit, Self-insertions!

 

GJT: *girlish scream*

 

Doodles: We should get to the North side of the hill.

 

Hika: Shouldn't we like, leave in general?

 

Doodles: ...no.

 

Doodles and DG gathered some food and they all settled down for supper. Doodles told them stories of the history of Middle-earth, and Hika told them stories about ugly barnacles. Teegs told of the GJT's history, and who their parents were.

 

Doodles: ...ewww...

 

To get her mind off that, Doodles told them of the story of Luthien and Beren. They were all about to go to sleep when they all felt,rather than saw dark shapes move towards them.

 

Teegs: Oh, dark shapes! I'm going to name that one Bob, and that one Mary, and that one HEEEEEERRRRMY...

 

Doodles: SHUT UP! DO YOU WANT THEM TO SEE US?

 

Teegs: HEEEEEEEERRRRRRMYYYY!

 

It was when the dark shapes started to advance when Teegs finally shut up. She and DG hid while Hika tried to push Frodo in front of her, as a shield. Frodo, however, wasn't as scared. Instead, he felt an odd temptation to put on the Toe Ring. It was all he could think of.

 

Frodo: Ring goes on, Ring goes off, Ring goes on...

 

Again, everything became pink and fluffy. HE could see the black shapes now, except now they were gigantic ugly men, who all looked alike. He drew his sword, but it wasn't anything the Self-insertions were afraid of. Frodo threw himself to the ground and cried aloud:

 

Frodo: O ELBERETH! GILTHONIEL!

 

At the same time he felt the sword of one of the Self-insertions stab him. It burned with the fires of a thousand evils. DG and Teegs leapt out of the darkness and threw pixy sticks at the Self-insertions, hissing and yelling insults. With a last effort, Frodo dropped his sword, slipped off the Ring, and closed his right hand tight upon it.