THE LORD OF THE (Toe)RINGS

 

Chapter Two: The Shadow of the Past

 

Talk about Bilbo's disappearance did not die down very quickly. No sir-ee! The word at The Swiffer Sweeper was that Bilbo had finally cracked and jumped off a cliff, or some other horrible death as that. Frodo, however, knew better, and spent every year after that not only celebrating his birthday, but Bilbo's as well.

 

Random Hobbit: Not a good sign...

 

No, it wasn't, but he did have good reason to. All of us here know that Bilbo went to live at Rivendell, but the Hobbits didn't.

 

[DG: Obviously. Continue]

 

Podima had visited Frodo once in a while, but it had been nine years since his last visit, and Frodo was getting a tad worried. And old. He was almost fifty now. Talk about abandonment.

 

Podima: BOO!

 

Frodo: AHH!!

 

Podima: Didn't you miss me?

 

Frodo: No, not really.

 

Podima: -.-

 

They stayed up late into the night, talking about the outside world and what was going on there.

 

Podima: Eh? What's going on in the outside world? Nothing. Nothing at all.

 

They also talked about what was going on in their favorite soap operas, and about the doings in the Shire.

 

Frodo: The GJT kidnapped me. Again.

 

Podima: Oh, when was that?

 

Frodo: Two years ago. *sniff* You abandoned me!

 

Podima: Eh, I had important stuff to do. It's getting scary out there.

 

Frodo: I thought you said nothing was going on!

 

Podima: Meh. I lied. Now throw that Toe Ring into the fire!

 

Frodo: MAKE ME!

 

Podima: Make me make you!

 

Frodo: Make me make you make me!

 

Podima: Make me make you make me make you!

 

Frodo: Make me make you make me make me... uh... ah, screw it.

 

Frodo threw the Toe Ring into the fire, and Podima took it out with some tongs.

 

[Teegs: THONGS?

 

Hika: No! Tongs! Those little grabby thingies!

 

Teegs: Oh.]

 

Podima: Hold out your hand, Frodo! It's quite cool. *drops the Toe Ring in Frodo's hands*

 

Frodo: AHHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!

 

Podima: My bad. This is a Toe Ring. It burns easier. Anyways, does it say anything?

 

Frodo: No, nothing at all.

 

Podima: *points and screams* YOU LIE!

 

Frodo: No, it really doesn't say anything!

 

Podima: LIEEEES! LIEEEES! LIEEES!

 

Frodo: I said, it DOESN'T. SAY. ANYTHING.

 

Podima: *blink blink* Of course! Again, this is a Toe Ring. Throw it into that random vat of perfume over there.

 

Frodo: ...why is there perfume in my house?

 

Hika: *pops in* I put it there! *pops out*

 

Frodo: ...did you see that?

 

Podima: ...just throw the damn thing in!

 

Frodo: Make me.

 

Podima: *goes all big and scary* THROW IT IN!

 

Frodo: Eep! Okay!

 

So Frodo threw the Toe Ring into the PERFUME vat. Podima once again took the tongs and picked it out, handing it to Frodo.

 

Podima: Now. Can you see anything?

 

Frodo: IT BURNS! IT BURNS!

 

Podima: *whack* It's perfume, you idiot!

 

Frodo: Oh, sorry. Reflex.

 

Podima: *sighs and rubs temples* NOW! What... does... it... say?

 

Frodo: It says... "Are you coming Legolas said I’m afraid I can’t becouse I’m dying and then Legolas died." *blink blink* Huh? *blink blink* AHH! IT SOUNDS LIKE A MARY SUE!

 

Podima: *sighs* I never said it was going to be helpful. But that proves it! Frodo, this IS the One Toe Ring!

 

Sounds of giggles and "I mock you with my monkey pants!" came from outside the window. Podima and Frodo chose to ignore it.

 

Frodo: But how could have Bilbo gotten the One Toe Ring?

 

Podima: Once upon a time, Marry Hotter, a Mary Sue forged the One Toe Ring!

 

Frodo: ...why the One Toe Ring?

 

Podima: Because, she was copying Sauron, and she thought Toe Rings were much more fashionable. Don't interrupt! Anyways, she made lots of uber-spiffy... WAIT! I DON'T SAY THAT WORD! She also made lots of other Toe Rings. She gave three to the elves, seven to the dwarves, and nine to the race of men. The three were hidden, she's never seen them, she's reclaimed some of the dwarven ones, because she decided dwarves were too ugly to have such uber-spiffy toe rings, and the nine became her Self-insertions, her most devious slaves! BUM BUM BUM BUM! ...*sighs* I hate having to provide my own music.

 

Frodo: o.o;;;;;;;;

 

Podima: As I was saying, all the free lands of Middle-earth were corrupted under the power of the One Toe Ring, or something along those lines. The elves and men resisted, and fought for seven years on the slopes of Mount Bloom, in the land of Mondor. Finally, Sauron, mad that someone copied his oh-so-trippy idea... May I ask WHY I have to say these things?

 

[Hika: Because I'm narrating it, that's why!]

 

Podima: *sigh* Finally, Sauron, mad that someone copied his oh-so-trippy idea, cut the Toe Ring from Marry Hotter's foot! She has only four toes on the black foot, but that is enough! If Marry Hotter reclaims this Toe Ring, she will rule Middle-earth once more!

 

Frodo: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

 

People outside window: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

Podima: -.- Don't tell me...

 

Podima reached out the window and pulled in two figures.

 

Podima: WHAT DID YOU HEAR?

 

Teegs: I told you not to scream!

 

Hika: You screamed too!

 

Teegs: ...well, it was scary!

 

Both: ...Mary Sues... *shudder*

 

Frodo: ...

 

Podima: WHAT DID YOU HEAR?

 

Hika: Everything.

 

Teegs: HA!

 

Podima: Well, Frodo... I am sorry... but these two will have to go with you.

 

Frodo: ...no... please... no!

 

Podima: *pats Frodo on the head* Sorry. I'll be there too, don't you worry. But right now I have some business to attend to. You should leave soon!

 

Frodo: .............Please...

 

Podima: Carry along some coffee. That way, you won't be asleep if they sneak up on you.

 

Frodo: Well, if you're there, shouldn't you be there to protect me?

 

Podima: Phht. I'm getting my beauty sleep, thank you very much.

 

Frodo: -.-

 

Hika and Teegs: *snort* Beauty sleep? Beauty sleep couldn't even help you.

 

Podima: ...SHUT UP!

 

END OF CHAPTER TWO.